Failure, Success, Neglect and Other Updates

So, yes...I'm still here. :) Thanks so much to NYC for checking in on us...you're such a sweetheart! I think about blogging a lot but just don't have the time. As a matter of fact, there's no telling how long it will actually take me to write this out, proof it, and POST it! ;p

I thought I'd try and explain my absence by letting you know what's been going on 'round here. First on the agenda:

FAILURE.

The biggest thing we've been facing is breastfeeding trouble. I think I mentioned in our last post (about a million years ago) that P was a constant eater, fussy nurser, gassy girl, etc. It was concerning to me but she was eating and having plenty of wet and dirty diapers, so I tried not to worry too much. When I took her for her 2 month check up, I found out that I probably should have been more on top of things as she had not been gaining enough weight. The ideal weight gain for a breastfed baby at that age is just over an ounce a day...and P had gained only about half that and had fallen from the 10th percentile for weight to the 8th. Apparently, that is a big no-no. She was and is healthy in every other way but they were concerned about her weight. Since she was already nursing about every 2 hours and for an hour at a time, she couldn't nurse any more often so their answer was, of course, to give her formula.

I have to tell you, I cried like a baby myself when the doctor said that.

Not that I have a huge, terrible objection to formula...I don't. But I just felt like a huge failure for not being able to provide what my baby needed, you know? And the breastfeeding relationship as a whole had become so much more important and precious to me than I ever thought that it would. When they said that formula was the answer, I felt like that was the beginning of the end of something special for us. I actually still feel that way and am tearing up just writing about it. There's nothing that can fully explain how I feel when those big blue eyes look up at me while she's nursing. It's the closest thing to perfection that I've ever felt and I hated to think that it was being taken from me because I was failing her. And, yes, I KNOW that you can bond with your baby if you bottle feed...and I'm not knocking it...but it was a huge change from our normal.

And just so you know, it is my problem...I am having production issues. The Fenugreek did help, but obviously it wasn't enough.

Fortunately, we found a bit of a compromise which is where I think we can begin the next part of this post:

SUCCESSES.

Our first success was using a supplemental nursing system (SNS). If you're not familiar with it, it's basically a bottle that has thin, tiny tubing attached to the top in lieu of a nipple. The idea is to lay the tubing next to my nipple and the baby latches to both and gets more intake with the same amount of effort. So, the docs gave me this and I must tell you, I felt like I had been given a huge reprieve! It allowed us to continue BFing and I could give her more, too. It was NOT easy to get the hang of it and to tell the truth, it's still not easy sometimes but it is a good thing for us. I started out giving her expressed breast milk (EBM)...and she took an extra ounce at the first feeding and promptly fell asleep and slept for 3 hours! Poor baby! I was starving her and didn't even know it! I have to tell you, I was relieved that she ate well and slept some but it made me feel like a terrible mom.

The hardest part of the SNS, for me at least, was when I ran out of EBM and had to add formula to it instead. I had to remind myself that she obviously needed the extra sustenance, though, and I pushed through...admittedly with many, many tears, though. This whole process obviously turned me into a big ol' crybaby. :) But tears and all, the SNS is a success because it still allows me to breastfeed, too...which is a good thing because P absolutely refuses a bottle. I have tried about a dozen different types, styles, shapes, etc. and she won't accept any of them. She can't seem to latch onto them because, regardless of the claims, don't feel anything like a breast. Duh...like plastic of any kind is going to feel like skin. And I have tried all the tricks that you can think of (and everything G.oo.gle has to offer, too) to no avail. Which, secretly, is just fine with me. :) Truly, even if P had taken to the bottle like a champ, we couldn't have given up nursing cold turkey. She nurses for comfort just as much as she does for nourishment, so she would have been just as devastated as I would have to lose that.

Sooooo...it still takes forever to feed her because I nurse her fully on both sides and then offer the SNS when she's just hanging out and nibbling at the end of the nursing session but she's happier for longer afterward, so that's okay. Sometimes she takes it, sometimes not...and that's okay, too. If she takes it, she'll still take about an ounce with the most she's ever taken being an ounce and a half. And yes, the SNS is a PAIN to deal with, especially away from home but we are dealing. And we'll have to find some sort of compromise because it's really not made for long-term use. But for now, she's back to gaining weight to please the doctors, she's still nursing for both food and comfort and the occasional formula is taking up my slack. The biggest upside to it all is that the added food is keeping her fuller for longer periods of time which has led to another success: SLEEP!

That's right, my friends...my 30-minute napper has gotten her belly full and will now take a couple of naps a day that range from 45 minutes to 2 HOURS!! Holy cow! Apparently hunger was waking her up...again, poor baby! And at night she will sleep for 3-3.5 hours, wake up and nurse (without the SNS) and sleep for about 3 hours more. PRAISE THE LORD...Mama is getting a little sleep! :) We're not out of the woods just yet and we have our not-so-good days (and nights) where sleeping is concerned but for now, the good days are outweighing the bad. Oh, and she's still sleeping in the swing most of the time but I just don't care. :) We'll tackle one obstacle at a time, thank you very much!

Also on the success front, we've been on several outings with the family without meltdowns from either me or P, I've just about overcome my anxiety about NIP (nursing in public)...as a matter of fact, I nursed P in TWO major restaurants during the lunch rush in the past week...and I can almost always fit time in each day for a shower. ;p

And I'm still working on my supply issues. Thanks to Brenda and her wonderful sister and their advice, I've added Alfalfa and Blessed Thistle to my Fenugreek regimen. That combo, along with more rest, has yielded some better results. Not stellar, obviously, or we wouldn't have need for the SNS, but way, way, way better than it was. I consider that a success, too, as I was apparently just about bone dry in that department.

Now, for the other part:

NEGLECT.

We're overcoming in a lot of areas but in truth, there are lots more that are just falling by the wayside. Currently, I'm neglecting my housework (though I am doing some better since P naps a bit more), my diet, my friends, my husband (bless his heart!), this blog (duh) and just about anything else that doesn't pertain to my little P-Bug. While I feel bad about it all, I'm learning that I just can't do it all...and that I don't HAVE to do it all. I still have a lot of anxiety about my role as a parent and I spend a lot of time trying to make sure I do everything as well as I can for P. I know that I'm not...and can't be...Super Mom, but I think it's in my genes to try. :) And if I'm being honest, I'd rather be doing for her and spending time with her than anything else. I still get uptight if things don't go as well as I think they should, if I don't have time to do all that I think I should and things like that, but I'm learning that as long as my girl is happy and healthy and well, that everything else just takes a backseat. We'll learn (eventually) to get it all together...all Moms do, right?...but for now, this is our normal. Our new normal...and I'm okay with that.

Don't get me wrong...I still get emotional about the BFing issue and my hormones still get the best of me some days for no apparent reason. P is still fussy and gassy and is not always an angel. My house is still upside down and there are days that I can't remember if I brushed my teeth but we're making progress. It's like at 11 weeks (Yes...11 weeks! She's almost 3 months old!) we turned a corner and those easier days that everyone told me about started coming around. So, take heart if you find yourself in a similar boat. Better days DO come, even if they don't come when other people tell you they will...and thanks to you, GC, for reminding me of that. :) I wish that someone had told me that those first days and weeks after P was born would be golden compared to the weeks that would follow...I wouldn't have stressed out nearly as much!

Well, miraculously, I've finished this whole post in one setting, thanks mostly to my happily napping baby who is swinging away next to me. I'd like to say that I'll post again soon but I don't know if that will happen, even though I want it to. I'll be back as much as I can and I really, truly am reading your blog posts when I have time, even if I don't comment. I do regularly check my e-mail and my F.ac.eb.ook, so if you'd like to keep in touch that way, just let me know.

Love and hugs to all of you and your new little ones (especially Jenn and baby Jack...congrats!) and to those who have your little ones on the way...and even more to you who are still holding out for your miracle. Me and P are proof that miracles still happen...you're in my prayers.