Officially Disappointed...I Think

***FYI: This post contains a little TMI.***

(and it's a looooooooong one, too!)

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As I think you've gathered by my previous posts, Miss P is one busy little mamacita.

All. The. Time.

She even moves in her sleep. (Seriously, I can hear her rustling around right now over the monitor!) Don't get me wrong, she is an absolute joy and I wouldn't trade ANYTHING in the whole world for her but she wears me out. ;) And I don't say that as a complaint but as a cold, hard fact.

Sometimes I'm not sure that I was nearly as 'made' for parenthood as I thought I was.

I know, I know...everybody has those moments when you feel less-than-equipped for some task or phase or day or whatever. Truly, though, I feel that way more often than not. I spend a lot of time praying that I'm not permanently screwing up my sweet child. :) Of course, things are absolutely, incredibly, 129% better than they were when she was an infant (we get dressed almost everyday now!) and we really are doing okay...but I promise, parenting makes me doubt my every step sometimes (and believe me, there are lots and lots of steps involved in a day with P. ;p).

So, all of that said, it may come as a surprise to you (as it did to me!) that Mike and I have kind of started talking about having another bambino...in a theoretical way. WHAT?! As ill equipped as I feel sometimes, I don't want Preslie to be an only child by choice, you know? And with as long as it took us to have her...and with my age, which will be considered 'high-risk' sooner rather than later...it worries me that we'll have trouble again. So, we've been tossing around the idea of actively trying (charting and temping and timing and all that to start with) but if the truth be told...

I'm not sure if I'm ready.

Physically, my weight is pretty out of control and since we've all but stopped nursing, I've gained about 20lbs...practically overnight. UGH. And even doing semi-low carb and taking Metformin, losing weight now is a little like trying to chisel stone with a plastic spoon...it just doesn't work. I'm sure I need to head back to the doc for a work up but that leads to the next reason that I don't think I'm ready...

Money, honey. Kids are freakin' expensive! ;) And so are all the doctor visits and labs and such that it takes to make 'em in the IF world. We're working on all the finances (and are actually making headway, praise the Lord!) but it would be preeeettttty tight if I conceived right now.

Know what else would be tight?? Our living quarters. Even though P has her own room, we still co-sleep by choice, which leaves her room as more of a playroom. It works great for now but it would have to change with a new addition...and my girl is NOT one for change. :) And even IF she did willingly sleep in her own room so that we could put the new baby in ours, that doesn't expand our living room or kitchen, which are s-m-a-l-l. I know that sounds like a pitiful excuse and that people have more kids in smaller spaces but we're already stepping all over each other...and an abundance of toys...and crazy Kelli needs her space! ;) Ideally, we'll have a larger place when we move on to Pregnancy #2.

All valid (okay, sort of valid) reasons to NOT try and conceive, right? And even though we don't prevent, it has always taken some assistance and serious trying to get pregnant in the past, so we've not even been thinking about it seriously, you know? It was more of a maybe...down the road...in a little while...kind of conversation.

Until my period was late this month.

Holy Hannah! I was totally taken off guard when I realized that I didn't start...taken off guard and more than a little freaked out. All those reasons that I just talked about started rolling through my mind and I had a little panic attack. Just a little one. :) Then I got myself together and was reminded that God won't ever give us more than we can handle...and of course, that children are a blessing from Him...and was at peace with the idea that we could possibly be having another sweet baby.

At peace and maybe just a teeny, tiny, little bit excited. :)

So, as a good little IF'er always does, I had my requisite stash of pregnancy tests and I cracked one open and did what had to be done. I have to tell you, I was fully expecting to see 2 pink lines. And it was totally and completely negative. And even though I still haven't started, I know in my heart that the test is conclusive...not pregnant.

Even now as I type this, I feel the same feeling I felt this morning: a faintly embarrassing mix of disappointment and relief. Disappointment because part of me really did want to be pregnant again. Relief because I can be so unsure of myself as a parent sometimes and I wonder if I'm capable of raising Preslie to be a moral, responsible adult, much less another child, too. And embarrassed I felt both of those things after all we've been through, both good and bad. It seems too weird to even be writing about all of this again and really truly considering stepping back into the ring and trying to have another child. And even knowing all the struggles as we had, as trying as the first 17 months of parenthood have been and as far as we probably have to go, I know that there is room in our lives and hearts for another child (even if we don't have room in our house! ;D).

So, I guess we're throwing our hat back in the ring? That's said with some uncertainty. :) But I do know that I wouldn't have felt any disappointment if somewhere in me wasn't ready to try again, you know? Truly, I've felt a little bit like a non-If'er since P came along, so I'm not sure I'm up for the roller coaster ride that's to come...but it seems that I've bought my ticket for the ride (or am at least in line ;p), so here we go...

I think.